You walk into the kitchen and fire up the coffee pot. While you watch the coffee brew, your spouse shows up behind you and gently rubs your shoulders. Instead of responding to the affection right away, you reach for the sugar; your coffee’s ready, and you want to sip it while it’s still hot. You think you’re just being efficient. But what your spouse did was make a bid for your attention—an attempt at connection in marriage—and you rejected it.
A spouse’s bid for connection might be an audible sigh, a hand on your knee, or an expression of emotion. When it happens, you can turn toward your spouse by engaging with him or her, or you can turn away by not responding well or at all. But according to researchers John and Julie Gottman, “couples that stayed together six years after getting married turned towards each other over 85 percent of the time while couples that separated turned towards each other roughly a third of the time.” A lot rides on how you respond to your spouse’s bids for connection. Here are 5 bids for connection to look for in your marriage.
